Workshop with Laurie Frankel
Memories of water
I have swam in water, bathed in water, lay in water, float astray in water. Water gives me life, and it has also taken life away. Water is what we need to survive, yet it is what we take for granted. The summers I have spent floating in water, with family and friends. The rain I have spent under a pour in water, in this Seattle weather wonderland. I have been drenched by its drops, while tears also fall blending into the earth’s doings.
Her step father called her fat again, so she went running in the rain. John always commented on Sam’s weight, almost without fail. When Sam ate, he had something to say. When she drank, he had something to say. He was no fitness model himself, this she knew. But she couldn’t allow herself to put him down too. For she knows how it feels, do be called fat then feel blue. When he’s told her enough times, and now its internalized. Now she tells her self she’s fat too. So this cold evening, they were eating dinner. She put an extra serving on her plate, she loves moms cooking- especially the mashed potatoes. He of course, loves to comment on Sams weight. So he does, and this time as it always does- stings. But this time it stings abit more, the sting is a bit sharper, abit more inescapable. She has lost her appetite. So she plays with her remaining food, has one last bite before placing her fork down gently. For if she slams it against the table, or the side of his head it will feel like a slam against her soul. She is in this moment to fragile, to explicitly deal with bull. So she gently places her fork down. Goes to her room and puts on a raincoat. Then she goes running in the rain
His stepfather told him he’s too skinny, once again. He says a real man has muscles, a real man is a strong one. A real man triumphs over weak ones, as he’s been told repeatably so. John, he isn’t in the best shape. He has a beer belly and his back is usually hunched. But Samuel is very skinny, always has been. He tried to get into weight lifting but it wasn’t for him. He tried protein powders and ensure. He tried to eat more, to drink less. He tried excessive amounts of meat. At first he just ignored John, expecting his mother to have his back. But to his surprise, his mom let John define what a real man is. So Samuel kept eating, even when he wasn’t hungry. He kept lifting, even when his arm cry for rest. It didn’t make him happy, or even feel good. Sure he gained some muscle, but his insecurities didn’t originate from his body. They first came from inside, but they did not originate there either. They originated from outside him and his body, perhaps from John. Perhaps from kids at school. But Samuel will go back to lifting and stuffing his face, while slowly losing himself more.
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